Unwritten Rules of the SGC
by stevebond1990
Summary: Some things just shouldn't be done... Unfortunately Common Sense is often a Luxury at the SGC. Inspired by 'The Atlantis Handbook' by Cammy and 'Things Not to Do at the SGC' by Gothfeary. If you recognise it, it's not mine.
1. Chapter 1

Unwritten Rules of the SGC

Chapter 1

It started off as a simple sheet of near blank paper on the noticeboards, taking the spot previously inhabited by Feretti's betting odds.

**1\. Pressing random buttons while a teammate is standing on a platform resembling a Star Trek Transporter Pad is **_**Forbidden**_**. Anyone found guilty of doing so from now on will be sent to Antarctica without cold weather gear.**

SG-7 had come back from P1-269 with the SGC's resident Ancient, a former Technical Student from Atlantis named Emrys (now Orion Emrys) as an anthropomorphic, bipedal rough collie, the week before and neither he, Daniel nor an Asgard sent as a favour from Thor could figure out how to turn him back, though apparently he still counted as an Ancient as far as left over tech was concerned.

**1a. If the Red Dwarf jokes don't stop someone's going to get hurt!**

Carter's prediction came true when SG-2 wound up in Janet's care with numerous blunt force trauma injuries and several broken bones.

The next note came a week later, curiously in Emrys' paw writing.

**2\. If someone switches out the Coffee again, find a steel helmet, flak jacket and a hiding place.**

**Nerds + Underground Bunker + Decaf = PAIN**

Seven people were sent to the Infirmary the night before as the scientists went into caffeine withdrawal, Daniel was sporting a black eye and two researchers were sporting scratch marks after trying to invade _The Five Points _(SG-7's private hideaway/relaxation spot one level above the gate room) in search of decent coffee.

The next was in General Hammond's handwriting.

**3\. Official reports are not to start with 'Once upon a time…', 'In a galaxy far far away…', 'In a hole in the ground…' and so on, these are Official Reports, the people who sign our paychecks and budget allowances read them, it is unprofessional behaviour like this the bean counters use to justify budget cuts.**

Jack O'Neill wrote the next one.

**3\. Grenades are not toys!**

SG-5 had gotten bored one day and had gone to an empty planet with a week's supply of grenades and four baseball bats.

**3a. C-4 is not playdoh!**

When the Grenades were locked away, SG-5 improvised.

**4\. The next person to call the Infirmary Colditz, Alcatraz or Riker's Island will be made to sit through a Full Physical Examination.**

Jack would fall mysteriously silent whenever the Infirmary was mentioned around him after this rule went up.

**5\. Organising breakouts from the Infirmary are not worth it!**

Jack, Feretti, SG-4, SG-7 and SG-12 learned this the hard way when they came back from their next missions.

**6\. 'How hard can it be?', 'Nothing can go wrong', and 'What could happen?' are never to be said, on base or off-world, SG-1 learned the hard way that Murphy has it in for the SGC.**

'I really need to keep my mouth shut,' Jack thought as he put the rule up, he'd lost count of how many times Jaffa had ambushed his team when one of them tempted Murphy.

**7\. 'It followed me home' is not a valid excuse.**

SG-2 came home with a three foot tall animal that looked like a cross between a wolf and a stag, it was apparently omnivorous and by some stroke of luck house broken. It was now very fond of Carter and Janet, spending most of its time with one of them. Hammond only allowed it to stay after it charged and knocked down Kinsey for insulting one of Carter's projects.

**8\. 'Why?' is not a question a CO likes to hear.**

Jack knew that one wouldn't stand for long.

**8a. The Science staff want it on record, we are paid to ask 'Why, What, How, Who, You want it to do what' and 'Do you speak**_** insert language here**_**?'**

Nope, it didn't.

**9\. Drinking songs are not to be sung off world.**

Three were now hits on Tangrean radio stations.

**10\. Camera films are to be developed on base. I Shouldn't Have To Say This People!**

Daniel wondered who was now hiding from General Hammond.

Jack and Feretti had to laugh when they saw the next one.

**11\. Today is **_**not**_** a good day to die!"**

The next was in Siler's writing.

**12\. The MALP is not a toy! **

**12a. If you catch someone riding it, don't quote Armageddon, tell them to get the F&amp;!* off.**

The next followed SG-7 returning to base a week later, with Emrys walking hand in hand with a curvy and well endowed, blue furred, anthropomorphic vixen, both blushing like high school teens.

**13\. If you don't know what a native ritual entails, don't get involved, you might end up with a wife, missing body parts, tattoos or covered in dye.**

Both Daniel and Emrys had been married due to ignorance of native rituals, though the latter didn't volunteer. He was singled out by a jealous suitor aiming to win Krystal's (the vixen's) hand, who had in turn had kept sneaking looks at Emrys, but was soundly beaten by Emrys who'd earned his bar killing larger, stronger and Tougher Jaffa.

Feretti came back three days before with an impressive Celtic style tattoo on his back but was confined to the infirmary for a week to make sure the local inks and dyes wouldn't have a negative reaction.

No one knew why Sergeant Baker came back the next day looking like a smurf and SG-4 weren't talking, Janet confirmed later he'd been completely 'smurfed'.

SG-10 was just glad to get home with Sergeant Turner still male.

**14\. Do not tease/provoke the natives. The British Army learned the hard way that enough men with spears can wipe out an army with state of the art weapons. The British had over 1300 men at Isandlwana, **_**You**_** have **_**Five**_** tops.**

SG-4 came back battered, bruised and slightly bloody and Hammond could be heard chewing them out three floors up for over an hour.

**15\. The Kama Sutra is NOT an acceptable example of Earth Culture.**

Daniel had a sinking feeling about what the next one would be.

**16\. A list of banned items, literature, CDs and DVDs is now posted outside the Barracks, General's Office and the Commissary, Read it people!**

Jack shook his head at the next one.

**17\. Anyone caught smuggling banned items out will receive one week's unpaid leave.**

The next followed an hour's shouting from Hammond and the absence of SG-2.

**18\. Anyone caught planting banned items in an outgoing teams gear will be sent to Antarctica without cold weather issue or pay for two weeks per individual offence, an Individual Offence is a **_**Single**_** Banned Item.**

The next two followed SG-3 being ambushed by Jaffa.

**19\. No betting or arguing about odds is to take place off world.**

**20\. Feretti holds the book, if you want to place a bet see him.**


	2. Chapter 2

Unwritten Rules of the SGC

Chapter 2

**21\. It is forbidden to play the 'Imperial March' when Kinsey visits.**

**21a. No matter how funny it is.**

SG-2 were into their second week of Latrine Duty, coincidentally the Cafeteria were overstocked on curry for the second week running.

**22\. Just because SG-1 can pull Miracles out of their arses doesn't mean You can, don't take unnecessary risks. It's Not Cool!**

Every SG team had to be rescued that week, except SG-1, who were on mandatory holiday, SG-7 and SG-13, who were on SAR that week.

**22a. Exceptions do happen.**

SG-1 was rescued twice in one day by SG-7 who were on a Search and Destroy mission in one of Apophis' shipyards.

**23\. Being posted to the Alpha Site, Truk or Rabaul doesn't mean the Fraternisation Regs don't apply.**

Jack tried to us that excuse when he was caught at each site in a cupboard with Sam Carter.

**24\. Truk is a Deep Penetration Forward Naval Base, **_**Do Not**_** mention it in front of anyone who doesn't already know.**

The Tok'ra hadn't been happy to learn they'd lost several Operatives on Goa'uld capital ships to SGC Stealth Frigates operating deep in Goa'uld Space.

They also weren't happy to learn the SGC _had_ Stealth Frigates, initially at least.

Most had come to love the design, being bigger than their old Tel'taks, slightly faster, with decent weapons for its size, and an impressive Stealth System that hid the ship from everything but the MK1 eyeball.

Given the fact that with its lack of windows and dark grey paint scheme it looked like a hole in space even that wasn't much of a liability.

**24\. Don't mess around with the tech in Carter's, Emrys' or Daniel's labs/workstations.**

**24a. Anything from the first will probably be needed to save Our arses.**

**24b. Anything from the second was probably something Emrys hadn't completed before the Ancients made him take an Ice Nap so is probably more advanced than even the Asgard understand and likely to blow the mountain **_**Into **__**Orbit**_** if broken.**

**24c. And anything from the last will likely needed to find some really important Ancient discovery or tech.**

SG-1 looked very sheepish for several days after these three went up, SG-2 looked very singed.

**25\. Hathor may dress like a hooker but don't ask what her rates are.**

SG-2 couldn't move for two days after getting captured and Feretti opened his mouth ,Hathor figured it out pretty fast considering she'd been out of the loop nearly six thousand years, SG-7 had to carry them back while SG-1 provided cover fire.

**26\. Everyone is encouraged to learn to perform an additional Non-combat role.**

Krystal, Emrys' wife, when not learning Earth Culture and customs or teaching her husband about her peoples, was employed as an extra unarmed and staff combat instructor. With every new batch of recruits several Marines would wind up in the Infirmary, usually after someone either questioned her ability or asked if she could change into her tribal outfit.

Several of the science staff had taken up her example and started helping out the maintenance crews.

Even Jack and Feretti became Instructors on the Firing Range.

**27\. No one is to mention, discuss or read Wormhole Extreme Fanfiction in front of SG-1.**

Daniel and Jack had gotten pissed out of their skulls after they overheard a discussion between recruits of _certain_ romantic pairings.

**28\. Do not gamble off base with Allies.**

SG-7 had won a _Beliskiner_-class cruiser from Thor, a Zero-G mining ship from Narim, ten gallons of Jaffa spirits from Bra'tac and a Particle Rifle prototype from Jacob/Selmak that had been swiped from Ba'al, _All_ thanks to Krystal's telepathy.

**29\. This is NOT the 4077****th****, Gurney races aren't allowed, there's not enough room people!**

The Medical Staff got bored and forced SG-1, SG-2 and SG-7 to watch the first, second and third series of MASH during a Lock Down.

This also led to the next rule.

**30\. Do Not put removed organs (appendices, tonsils, etc…) in anyone's boots.**

**30a. No Matter How Much They Deserve It!"**

The Marines in SGs 12, 14 and 15 had spent the past three days insulting virtually everyone, four days after the gurney race they woke up with '_presents'_ in their boots.

**31\. Nothing is Idiot Proof in the Military, Especially in the SGC.**

Several of the new recruits, especially one Rodney Mckay, managed to bollocks up basic training. Emrys was still trying to figure out how Mckay overloaded a Mak'tok with a power cell so drained it shouldn't have been physically possible. Everyone else was just glad Walter had improvised a speed dial for the Stargate during the MASH Lockdown.

**32\. The Cerinian Cruisers are not 'Big Yellow Submarines'.**

The Cerinians, Krystal's people, had decided to get more involved with the SGC after Hammond arranged diplomatic meetings with several of the SGC's other allies for them. They'd sent two Companies of Warriors, a Cruiser and four Long Endurance Scout Ships, it was discovered, upon the ships' arrival at the Rabaul Base in Alpha Centauri, that the Cerinians used armour made from a golden alloy which, combined with the resemblance of the design to WWII subs, lead to a number of airmen, led by Feretti, breaking into song. Luckily the Cerinian crews were amused once they understood.

**33\. Never Underestimate the Arrogance and Stupidity of the Goa'uld.**

Even before Krystal had been accepted as an auxiliary member of SG-7, they'd gotten pretty good breaking into enemy strongholds, swiping everything they could carry (one time even taking a prototype Neutrino Ion Generator bolted to the floor), rescuing whoever had been captured (usually SGs 1, 2, 3, 5 and 9) and getting out without being seen. The above teams were now begging for tips on avoiding detection.

**34\. **_**'Prongs ate my report'**_** is not an excuse!**

This was immediately followed by…

**35\. Stop Feeding Prongs Your Reports! The Ink Gives Him The Runs!**

Not only had the Stag/Wolf mammal been given a name (and collar) but Jack and Feretti had started feeding him their Mission Reports when something went wrong. A week later they alone were cleaning up the mess.

**36\. John Sheppard is no longer allowed in a Lynx without responsible adult supervision.**

**36a. Colonel O'Neill, Lou Feretti and Charles Kawalsky do not count as responsible adults.**

Emrys, Carter and Jacob/Selmak had successfully built a prototype shuttle based on an Ancient design Emrys remembered to go through the Stargate, after testing the SGC put it into production and started pulling their best pilots from other bases, including one John Sheppard from McMurdo. Within a week he, Jack, Feretti and a recently resurrected Kawalsky had '_borrowed'_ a pair for an afternoon.

Neither Hammond nor the Maintenance crews were happy when they returned.

**37\. Be polite around animals, they can tell when you're being condescending and/or sarcastic.**

Prongs had developed a habit of fetching needles for Janet when patients didn't speak to her with the utmost respect.

**38\. All New Recruits are to pay attention to the advice of the older personnel. No matter how much better you think you, **_**They've**_** been there and **_**come back**_**!**

The older personnel were getting tired of cocky new recruits, especially Marines. Hammond was now very pissed it had reached the point where it took a Marine doing something stupid in their arrogance and getting killed for the rest to actually listen.

**39\. No, you are NOT allowed to build the USS Enterprise!**

Jack sulked for a week after this went up; he'd spent the past month bugging the Science Department to ask.

**39a. That Includes the NCC-1701, 1701 Refit, 1701-A, 1701-B, 1701-C, 1701-D, 1701-E or the NX-01.**

Jack went home after seeing that go up.

**39b. Or either Defiant, Voyager, Excelsior or any other Star Trek ship.**

One third of the Scientists went on strike.

**39c. WE ARE NOT BUILDING STAR DESTROYERS EITHER!**

Another third went on strike.

**39d. We are NOT accepting requests for Battlestar Galactica (TOS or RDM), Andromeda, Farscape (**_**seriously**_**, how the hell would we grow a Leviathan?), or Firefly starships.**

Nearly all the rest joined them.

**39e. Some Earthforce designs from Babylon 5 **_**might**_** be doable.**

The remaining scientists hid from their colleagues.

**40\. Building Lightsabers is now Forbidden, and I don't care that Emrys built a working Plasma Dagger, **_**He**_** knows what he's doing.**

The geek's two labs down from Emrys had been upset when he successfully created a miniature Energy Sword from Halo, so they tried to one up him. They failed spectacularly and were lucky they didn't wake up sitting on a cloud with a harp.


	3. Chapter 3

Unwritten Rules of the SGC

Chapter 3

**41\. Teams are not to say **_**'I claim this World in the name of Hammond of the Texan Dome Heads'**_** when they leave the gate**_**,**_** not only will you piss off any natives (not to mention Goa'uld or Jaffa) but it gives the wrong impression in Official Reports.**

Jack and Feretti were suspiciously evasive when asked about this.

**42\. Just because Hobbits, Dunedain, Dwarves and Elves are real doesn't mean you have free license to quote Tolkien or any other Fantasy Fiction, Movie or Game.**

SG-1 gated into the Lonely Mountain and sent for backup to make sure they weren't crazy, consequently they and SG-7 were there when Thorin and Company woke up Smaug. They were deliberately vague on the details later but somehow Smaug tried to swallow an Anti-tank rocket.

The following Battle of Five Armies was cut short by liberal use of ten Infantry Mortars and the Dwarves, Men and Elves fighting with their backs to Erebor's main gate.

The mission ended with SG-1 and SG-7 asking for a leave of Absence in order to see Bilbo home, many weren't happy to learn they couldn't visit themselves until both teams came back and had started quoting Tolkien whenever they could.

**43\. Do **_**NOT**_** Piss Off the Female staff on Base during a Base Wide Lockdown,**_** Especially**_** during 'That time of the Month'.**

Most of the men who saw or heard of this Rule shivered, while the women smiled evilly at those that hadn't yet experienced that yet.

_The Five Points_ still had barbed wire and hedgehogs ready to deploy from the last time both circumstances coincided and some prejudiced Marine opened his mouth. There was even a rumour the poor sods in the Armoury had deployed mines to stay safe.

**44\. The database of Goa'uld is not to be called the Encyclopaedia Goa'uldica.**

Daniel and Sam had a laugh at that, it was somewhat creative.

**44a. Or 'The Hit List'.**

**44b. Or the 'Rogues Gallery', **_**That**_** is the current list of SG team Line-ups.**

Jack had been mildly offended at that.

**45\. Claymores are labelled 'Front Toward Enemy' for a reason.**

Daniel wasn't sure he _wanted_ to know about that one, even Jack was afraid to ask.

**46\. Pursuing an inadvisable plan of action is not to be called 'Doing a Kinsey'.**

**46a. Or 'Doing a Makepeace'.**

Hammond had a feeling about what the next addition would be once he read those.

**47\. Surviving/Escaping an impossible situation is not to be called 'Pulling an SG-1'.**

He knew it, pity Feretti wouldn't take his proxy's bet on it.

**48\. ATA Gene carriers are NOT Lab Rats!**

It seemed Jack had finally had enough of the researchers dragging him away to test some trinket or another.

**48a. Nor Ancients!**

'So that's why two researchers from that Department were in the Infirmary when Jack was Offworld,' Sam thought, after she came up from the Infirmary.

**49\. Fireworks are NOT allowed on Base or Offworld.**

SG-5 improvised when boredom once again kicked in.

**50\. Breaking down ammunition for the Powder Charge is Forbidden.**

SG-5 once again proved their impressive ingenuity for a bunch of pyromaniacs, fortunately Anise had her prototype Tissue Regenerator so the lost fingers were grown back.

After some fine tuning, of course.

**51\. Just because most of these Rules are written for Specific SG teams doesn't mean they don't apply to the rest of you.**

Everyone was guilty of at least one infraction.

**52\. You may Not rub Dr Jackson's or Emrys' head for good luck.**

A side effect of being Lucky, Favoured to a degree by the Ancients and Jack starting a trend.

**53\. If the **_**Ancients**_** couldn't do it, odds are it **_**can't**_** be done. **_**Especially**_** if the **_**Resident Ancient **_**Says**** it can't be done.**

Mckay was still being snubbed by Carter and most of the older SGC personnel after he tried to recreate the Arcturus Project in an abandoned star system and blew it up. Especially as Emrys had been a Junior Member of the Original Ancient Research Team, had spotted the flaw that caused the destruction of Mckay's effort during the Ancient's original attempt and been forced to take an Ice Nap after trying to change the prototype to compensate and in turn warned Mckay not to proceed.

Mckay stubbornly believed he could make the Original design work and it was only the quick intervention by _Prometheus_ that kept him from joining the planet in Oblivion.

**54\. Don't give the Asgard alcohol.**

SG-1 shared a bottle of Jack Daniels on Thor's flagship after a successful push back against the Replicators. Two doubles later and the ship was flying erratically through several star systems and had to be stopped by another cruiser summoned from Ida.

It took three days for the Supreme Commander to sober up enough for him and SG-1 to face the thorough chewing out from both Hammond and the Asgard High Council.

**55\. Do not give the Asgard sugar, Technologically Advanced aliens on a sugar rush are a disaster waiting to happen.**

Fortunately Thor couldn't stay still long enough to do any damage. That said, the security vid was simply hilarious to watch.

**56\. Don't start pressing buttons the scientists say not to touch just to annoy them. The results are rarely pretty. Anyone who does so will be punished – for punishment, see Rule 1.**

Mckay was finally allowed offworld and successfully pissed off the rest of his team _before_ they left. So, of course the Army troopers and Airmen wanted to get back at him. They came back looking like oompa-lumpas.

**57\. We are **_**NOT**_** 'Star Trekkin' Across The Universe', So STOP playing that damn song!**

SG-5 were bored again and apparently, so was Walter.

**58\. When calling for a Transporter Beam Out, You Do Not Say "Scotty, Beam Me Up!".**

Over half the SGC were guilty of that.

**59\. Carter is not 'Seven of Nine', regardless of the fact she's blond and as hot as she is smart.**

Sam wouldn't leave her lab for an entire day until Jack, Daniel and Emrys dragged her out to eat on Janet's orders. Through the whole meal her face was bright red from the comments being made. Though several soldiers and marines were found to have been admitted to the Infirmary, after she went home for the night, for 'mysterious' bouts of clumsiness.

**60\. Neither Commissioned nor Enlisted personnel with false teeth should attempt oral sex in Zero Gravity.**

"Isn't that Ronson's writing?" Jack asked out loud.

"Yes," Daniel answered uneasily.

"I don't want to know," Sam murmured, "I really don't.


	4. Chapter 4

Unwritten Rules of the SGC

Chapter 4

**61\. No, you can't 'Shotgun' whichever Team is on SAR.**

SG-11 had checked the list of outgoing teams and saw that SG-1, SG-2, SG-3 and SG-5 were going offworld, commandeered the PA system and shouted "Shotgun SG-7", causing a scrum among the other teams to claim SG-13.

Hammond wasn't happy.

**62\. There is such a thing as Karma. This is your only Warning!**

No one understood this but SG-12 wasn't talking.

**63\. Just because you stole an **_**(Insert Alien Space Vehicle Here)**_**,that does not mean that you can **_**drive/fly it**_**, like you stole it.**

Sheppard got his second mention on the list after stealing a Hat'tak and pulling off several stunts with it to lose pursuing Jaffa ships. They'd arrived over Earth with a lot of missing components.

**64\. Flirt with the natives at your own peril.**

SG-8 forced the base in a quarantine lockdown after they came back with an alien STD.

**65\. Ancient Weapons are **_**NOT**_** Toys!**

Sheppard had accidentally set an old Phasic Drone on Mckay after Mckay pissed him off while exploring an old Military Base.

**66\. When discovering a cache of Lantean Tech, don't celebrate until you've called for reinforcements and/or swiped everything you can.**

SG-14 had discovered an intact Lantean Naval Base on the edge of the Galaxy, they were too busy celebrating their discovery to notice they'd been tailed by both one of the more militant and Anti-Tau'ri factions of the Free Jaffa and a small group from the fledgling Lucian Alliance. If it wasn't for Dr Amiens accidentally discovering how to activate the Base defences, the SG team would have been wiped out and the eight precious Lantean Warships lost.

**67\. There is a fine line between Bravery and Stupidity.**

Most personnel thought SG-1, 2 or 5 had done something stupid again. Actually it was because Hammond had finally gotten a truthful report on the 'Dragon's Explosive Indigestion' incident.

**68\. At First if you don't Succeed… Run Like HELL!**

Jaffa weren't the brightest of enemies, but they recovered surprisingly well from ambushes.

**69\. No Brawling with the Non-US teams!**

The Marines in SG-14 had gotten into a fight with the replacements for SG-12 from Russia, it took a twenty five SFs, a pissed off Ancient and a modified Gravity Mine prototype to break it up.

**70\. Picking the Flowers Off-world is not permitted except as specimens for the botanists.**

SG-9 had brought back some kind of sweet smelling alien rose, it made nearly everyone zone out briefly except Emrys and his wife who retreated to their room and weren't seen again for nearly two days. When they emerged, both had strange smiles and walked funny for three days.

**71\. Do Not Take Chocolate Offworld.**

While SG-2 got a good trade deal on Naquadah and even a limited Anti-Matter supply, the Obscurans would only accept Cadbury Bars for trade.

**72\. Don't steal the Duct Tape.**

**73\. Don't 'Gift Wrap' the Gate in Duct Tape.**

SG-5 got bored again, and seeing s they no longer had access to anything that would satisfy their pyromaniac tendencies, they stole Siler's Duct Tape and wrapped the Gate up, from outer edge to opposite outer edge.

Siler was NOT happy to learn that not only was his entire Duct Tape supply used up, they couldn't dial the gate to clear the tape and the wrapping was thick enough to turn a combat knife.

**74\. Don't bother filing paperwork for Time Travel.**

The Pentagon had finally got around to examining the reports from the time when SG-1 went to 1969, it quickly became an experience they did not want to repeat.

**75\. Revenge for Pranks is not to take place offworld.**

SG-2 almost got eaten by sabre toothed tigers when Barnes and Wallace from SG-11 slipped a booby trapped air horn into Feretti's pack.

**76\. Not all clear liquid is water.**

Sgt Martin on SG-9 was killed when he drank from a bottle of clear liquid that turned out to be hydrochloric acid.

**77\. Mandatory canteen checks will be carried out before gate travel, either way, except when under fire.**

SGR-12 needed to be rescued by the Tok'ra and SG-7 after sneaking extra canteens of vodka on a mission.

**78\. Don't use Zats to play Laser Tag.**

Sam had wondered why SG-5, Jack, Feretti, Kawalsky and Sheppard were in the brig.

**79\. Always check your equipment before leaving.**

"What happened?" Jack asked, as he and Daniel checked the List.

"SG-8 left their GDOs behind," Daniel explained, "They were stuck in a storm for five hours before a MALP was sent through, Hammond wasn't pleased.

Jack winced in sympathy as he imagined the General's reaction.

**80\. 'It was like that when we found it,' is not an acceptable excuse.**

Sam went to see Janet when she saw this, Janet always kept up with the Base gossip.


	5. Chapter 5

Unwritten Rules of the SGC

Chapter 5

**81\. It is now forbidden to tie an alcohol powered pulse jet to a gurney, duct tape someone to it and turn the jet on.**

SGs 8 and 9 were now in the brig while Mckay was having his broken bones fixed in a sarcophagus.

**82\. There is no illegal distillery on the Engineering Level, ignore the smell of alcohol in the North corner.**

That was surprisingly true, Hammond had cracked down after the Jet-Powered Gurney incident and in all, a quarter ton of moonshining equipment was confiscated and dismantled.

Everyone was just glad the decoy worked, the real Distillery was under the Gate.

**83\. Stop trying to give Lieutenant Hailey **_**'The Talk.'**_

The Blonde teen still couldn't stop blushing or look the culprits in the face.

**84\. If you're going to make out, **_**Lock The Damn Door!**_

Cassie Frasier walked into Sam's room to surprise her aunt in all but blood, and ran out screaming. She was later found curled up against Emrys, mumbling incoherently about old perverts and hot blondes.

The aforementioned Ancient later said it wouldn't have been so bad, if Cassie's mumbling hadn't gone from freaked out to pervy as she calmed down.

The next came a week later, just after a large explosion at Area 51 and immediately before Hammond decided to ship the _Entire_ R&amp;D Department to an uninhabited (Barren) planet.

**85\. Stop Trying to Build a TARDIS!**

The next followed a rather messy party on a planet no one could remember well enough to recall the address.

**86\. Singing obscene, Racist songs and handing out finely aged scotch or vodka is not a celebration of Cultural Heritage.**

"What the Bloody Hell Happened!" Jack exclaimed when he saw it.

"We have Good Scotch?" Feretti asked owlishly.

"Not anymore," Jackson muttered loudly, scowling at Feretti.

**87\. Do not advertise illicit parties on the notice board, especially if you brought back alien hooch.**

SG-15 smuggled back several bottles of Langaran Whiskey, but started sampling one before they'd started planning the party. As a result, Cpl Kent stuck a note up inviting the base's female population to come. The alien whiskey was remarkably stronger than the Earth equivalent, so by the time the MPs broke it up, the party was minutes from becoming an orgy.

**88\. You can't cook food on the Fusion Reactor's casing.**

SG-5 decided to go camping, they were found six hours later with camp set up beside the new Fusion Reactor cooking eggs and bacon in saucepans and hotdogs and marshmallows on forks using the escaping heat of the Reactor.

**89\. If you hate small or enclosed spaces, roller coasters, flying, close quarters with people, crowds, get homesick easily and/or all of the above, you've got the wrong job.**

The new batch of recruits had at least one person with any of the above and more.

**90\. Do not tell a Superior Officer to chill.**

**90a. Being stoned out of your skull from some native Peace Pipe is not an excuse.**

Kawalsky came back from a mission completely stoned, having smoked a Peace Pipe as part of a ceremony to confirm a trade treaty, he was met by the new Head of the SGC Dr Elizabeth Weir. She was _Not_ Happy!

The next was put up by a Furious Sheppard after storming up from the Lynx bay.

**91\. You Are **_**NOT**_** allowed to Pimp out the Puddle Jumpers!**

Sheppard wasn't the only Lynx pilot pissed at the modifications, unfortunately the culprits were never found.

The next followed Feretti complaining to Hammond about some of the bets.

**92\. O'Neill and Carter are **_**NOT**_** an Item.**

**92a. Jackson and Carter are **_**NOT**_** an Item.**

**92b. Jackson and Frasier are also, Not an Item. Ignore the teen looking to get back at her mum for being grounded, the evidence is faked.**

**92c. Emrys and Krystal **_**ARE**_** an Item, SG-7 were witnesses to the Wedding and the Marriage Certificate is on file.**

The next line was very shaky.

**92d. I think I'm going to be Sick! … You guys know who you are, you are sick, twisted… depraved! That's just **_**WRONG!**_

The next followed a Lockdown that left several unhappy Marines trying to sew holes in their uniforms.

**93\. Don't insult the knitting club, who do you think keeps most of you lazy bums' uniforms in decent knick.**

**94\. Tribbles. NO!**

Everyone from Sg-1 to 12 whimpered when they read this, SG-6 discovered that Tribbles do exist, they're as much a pain in the ass now as they were in the show.

**95\. Hamlet is now banned.**

Everyone winced at the memory of SG-2s attempt to perform it.

**96\. The next person to send a Tribble to either cruiser or the President **_**WILL**_** be shot!**

Caldwell and Ronson were nearly swamped by the furry buggers after one was sent to each ship as a joke, until someone had the idea of locking down Engineering and ringing everyone else off then venting the atmosphere everywhere else. The one sent to Washington was intercepted safely.

**97\. Fruit cake is not to be launched out the Mass Drivers on **_**Repulse**_**, even if it did hole the Pel'tak windscreen.**

Repulse was the first British starship and SGC's First Big-Gun Warship, one of Apophis' cronies paid a visit and the gun crews got desperate as they had virtually no weapons and no ammunition for the few they did have, turns out fruit cake confuses the sensors that trigger Hat'tak shields.

**98\. No More Knicker Raids!**

SG-7 had had to break out the Lantean's equivalent of a Trench Shotgun to end the Base Wide revolt when every new SGC Marine was caught.

**99\. Please leave the Jury-Rigging to Carter and Emrys.**

Mckay caused another disaster, this time involving repairs to a Lynx damaged by an animal stampede, fortunately Carter had been sent to assist.

**100\. Don't respond to Goa'uld interrogation with 'Up Yours!' It's very bad for your health.**

"Feretti opened his mouth again, didn't he?" Daniel asked Jack when he saw this one.

"Nope, Kawalsky did it," Jack replied.

"Why am I not surprised," Daniel sighed as he retreated to his office.


End file.
